Making the Most of Psychotherapy, Counseling, or Coaching 06 Jun 2016

A reader wrote to me: "I am currently in therapy. What do you think is the best way to get the most out of it? Perhaps, you could write an article about it?"

Okay.

Getting counseling, coaching, or psychotherapy are major commitments of money and time, not just the sessions but the work you must do between sessions to get the most from them.

We tend to think that the coach/therapist/counselor is the key to making all that worthwhile but what the client does may be at least as important. Here are things you might want to do:

Choose wisely

Which treatment modality works best (e.g., cognitive-behavioral vs childhood-rooted therapy) depends heavily on the individual client. It's been said, only half joking, that the most successful modality is the one you believe in. So trust your gut feeling---but that feeling should be based on a careful selection process:

Speak with two or three practitioners recommended highly on Yelp or by your friends. Google them and visit their site to see if they specialize in your kind of problem. Just as you wouldn't use a general practitioner for a serious physical problem, you shouldn't use a generalist counselor for your serious psychological or career problem. So, see an appropriate specialist: depression, helping unhappy lawyers, whatever.

Try a session with one or more good prospects. Don't be too swayed by the practitioner's niceness. Sometimes, a practitioner is nice but ineffectual. The key question is, "Do you sense the practitioner is quite competent in the art and science of helping someone with your problem and whose personality and intellectual style is compatible with yours. A spiritual, intuitively oriented client might not do so well with a practitioner who stresses logical reasoning.

Before sessions. Except perhaps for the first session, email a suggested agenda to the practitioner. Writing it concretizes your thinking and helps the practitioner prepare for your session. Of course, if s/he suggests an alternative, consider it, although you generally should have the final say.

In sessions

Be appreciative. It's easy to forget that practitioners are people too, and while we try to be our best with all our clients, we're more likely to go the extra mile for clients we like. So, express your appreciation for their efforts on your behalf.

Be honest and ask for honesty.

Practitioners aren't mind readers. If you withhold what's really going on, it could take even a skilled, intuitive practitioner a long time to get to the foundational issue(s.) Be as honest as you can. Conversely, ask the practitioner to be honest with you: If s/he perceives an important negative about you, even if it might be tough for you to hear, say that you'd rather hear it. Of course, the practitioner isn't always right, so if s/he says something that feels wrong, tactfully, say so. If the practitioner is doing something you feel isn't helpful--for example, being too tough or not tough enough, too intellectual or too touchy-feely, too practical or not practical enough, tactfully give the feedback. Most practitioners are eager to flex to meet client needs or at least be given an opportunity to explain why s/he's doing what s/he's doing. Take notes and/or record the session. People forget so much of what goes on in sessions. I record all sessions and urge my clients to, within a day, listen to the mp3 and take notes. That way they derive the session's full benefit right away. Procrastinating clients who wait to listen until the day before our next session miss out on a lot.

Ask questions. There really are no dumb questions. If a question pops into your mind, getting the answer usually should take precedence over what's going on the in the session.

Ask for homework. If the practitioner doesn't assign homework, ask for it or propose an assignment. You're only in sessions a tiny fraction of your week. You must try out ideas generated in the session, do research on possible directions, keep a log, etc.

Between sessions

Love yourself enough to fully commit to doing that homework, not perfunctorily but with zest. This may be the key to getting the most of your counseling, coaching, or therapy.

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